How to have fun at Boring Party
by carlyjacks
Summary: House is forced to go to a hospital fundraiser. Mayhem insures. Warnings: Slash Pairing: House/Wilson. Established Relationship.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

"You have to go, House, you're a department head. How will it look to the donors if the head of diagnostics can't even be bothered to show up. They want to meet the all the department heads before they make there final decision."

House who was leaning back in his chair with his legs propped on the desk looked up from his game boy and glanced at Cuddy before saying. "I will look like I don't give a crap which I don't" he returning to his game.

"Oh, come on House," said Wilson. "Remember the Christmas last year? That was fun." He said giving House a knowing look.

House smirked. Last year he and Wilson had too much to drink and ending groping each other in the supply closet. Who knew all it would take was a few drinks and couple inappropriate comments, and _accidently _rubbingWilson's leg under the table would be all it would to make him admit his feelings which House had, had for years and he knew Wilson also had. But he could never seem to catch him between wives or girlfriends. So after the divorce from Julie he decided it would the perfect time.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all; if he could get Wilson back into that closet again; but couldn't give in unless it was on his terms." I'll go for three weeks of clinic duty."''s

"Two." Said Cuddy as crossed her arms over her chest.

"Fine." Said House setting his game boy down and lifting his leg off the desk and setting on the floor so he could sit upright.

"And I expect you to wear I tie." She said as she turned to leave.

"Aww, but Mom." House whined.

She stopped in the doorway and turned. "And I also expect both of you to be on your best behavior tomorrow night. No making out in the closet like you did last year." She said shutting the door behind her.

"How does she know about that?" said Wilson. "We didn't tell anyone we were together until six months ago."

"Cuddy had cameras_ everywhere" _said House cryptically. "And I do mean _everywhere."_

Wilson shuddered thinking of the escapade that House and indicated a couple days ago, in his office, which had led to both of them having to take a shower before returning to work. "That's good to know."

"I bet she has a whole collection of our greatest hits at home for those occasions when she is feeling extra horny."

"I didn't need to know that."

"That's why I'm here to say the things everyone else has the common sense to keep to themselves." Said House.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Do you think she meant it when she said I had to wear I tie?"

"Afraid so," said Wilson stepping closer to House. "Tell you what. If you wear the tie I'll think of something more appropriate to do with it when we get home." He said running a hand up House leg and stopping just short of the top his thigh.

"Is that a promise or a threat?" asked House with a smirk as he leaned toward Wilson to grab him by his tie and pull him closer.

"I guess you'll just have to wait and find out." He'd said has he allowed House to pull him closer so that he was nearly in his lap.

"I don't like to wait," said House pulling Wilson in for kiss.

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Wilson knew to be suspicious when House came home a hour after he did carrying a mysterious looking black bag. He knew he was planning something for the fundraiser tonight he just didn't know what. He had been acting strange all day. Especially when voluntarily did his clinic duty. Usually Cuddy had to stop short threatening him in order to get him to it. His suspicions grew when House came to his Office a half hour before he left to ask Wilson if could borrow Dr. Bear. _A gift given to him by a patient. _He was reluctant at first but he figured if he didn't House would just sneak in later and take him. He said a silent prayer that nothing bad would happen to him and handed him over.

"Hey," said Wilson. "What's in the bag?" he said gesturing to the bag House held in his right hand.

"Oh you know the usual. Nipple clamps, lube, handcuffs." He said taking off his jacket and setting his helmet on table by the door.

Wilson scoffed and rolled his eyes. House raised his eyebrows and smirked.

"Seriously?" said Wilson reaching for the bag but House snatched it way before he could look.

"No you idiot," said House limping towards the bedroom. "We already have all that stuff remember?

Of course he remembered. He been mortified when House had drug him to that sex shop eight months ago right after he had moved in with House, which was about ten months after they discovered their feelings for each other. Or rather House had gotten them both seriously wasted and made his feeling known in a not so subtle way. Wilson had thought of House as more than friend for years but wasn't sure how to act on them or even is House had felt the same way. That question was answered last year when he drug Wilson into a supply closet and shoved he tongue down his throat.

"So what is in the bag?" asked Wilson almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Oh you'll find out." Said House cryptically and disappeared in the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Oh crap this wasn't good. He had to get that bag away House. Whatever was in it, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know, but he was sure would seriously embarrass them both, cost the hospital a lot of money, get them arrested or some combination of the three. He was trying to come up with a plan when House came out of the bedroom with a towel and started toward the bathroom. "I hope didn't use up all the hot water or you won't be getting any tonight." He said shutting the door behind him.

Wilson waited until he heard the shower turn on before going to search the bedroom. He looked around. House hadn't left it in plain sight so that meant he had hidden it somewhere. Wilson dropped to his knees and looked under the bed. Not there; maybe under the mattress? He lifted the mattress but there was nothing there expect a couple of dirty magazines, and empty tube lubricant and a cock ring that had misplaced last month.

Wilson went too closet next and shifted through the boxes on the floor and the shelf, he looked in between the clothes to see if had put on a hanger and shoved it between the clothes. Nothing. Damn it. Where could he have hidden it. Just then a hand came down his shoulder and he felt stubble graze against his neck and teeth biting down gently. "Find anything interesting?" said House reaching around Wilson to grab a suit and tie from the closest and _accidently _brushing his hand against Wilson's crotch in the process.

He groaned at the contact. "Where did you hide it House?" asked Wilson turning around to face him as house laid his clothes on the bed. "And what are you planning on doing tonight?"

"Nothing illegal." He said has started to dressed.

"House come on just tell me already. I'm going to rat you out to Cuddy." Said Wilson has he sat down to put on his shoes.

That was true thought House. Wilson hadn't told that it was him of put the rubber rats in the Nurse's locker room scaring all the student nurses.

"Fine," said House reaching under the box spring and pulling out the bag and tossing it Wilson. As Wilson shifted through the bag as House finished getting dressed.

"House," exclaimed Wilson. "You aren't seriously going to use this stuff are you?"

"Oh relax." He said. "No one is going to get hurt. At these kind of parties you have to make your own fun."

"All right," said Wilson throwing the bag back to House. "As long as nobody gets hurt."

Wilson glanced up as House was putting on his tie. "What the hell is that?" said when he saw the tie House had picked out.

"It's a tie. Cuddy said I had to wear one remember. And you made certain promises if I wore one."

"You can't wear that." Said Wilson.

"Why not?"

.

"It's completely inappropriate, there a naked woman on it. I pretty sure Cuddy won't like it." Said Wilson as he walked to the dresser to find something more appropriate.

"She didn't say it couldn't have a naked women on it Cuddy didn't say that it couldn't have a naked woman on it."

"Yeah well I'm pretty sure she won't find it amusing," said Wilson. "Besides this one looks better on you." he said holding up a red tie. He reached up pulled the knot out of the naked lady tie and tossed it on the bed. "We can use that later," said Wilson.

He put the tie around Houses neck and slipped it under the collar of his dress shirt. He lightly brushed his fingertips over House's neck as tied the knot and pulled it into place. As he did this he leaned forward an nipped lightly at the skin behind his ear and bit lightly on the lobe. This caused House to exhale sharply.

"Don't start something you are planning on finishing," said House he leaned forward to grab Wilson by his belt loops and pull him forward.

"Oh I plan on finishing it," said Wilson leaning forward kissing him deeply. "Tonight," he said pulling away and walking towards the front door.

"Fucking tease," muttered House as picked up his bag and followed him out the door.

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

When House and Wilson walked into the extra large conference room, a room reserved solely for Hospital benefits, the caterers and staff were still setting up table and the buffet.

"See I told you we were leaving to early. No one even here yet." Said House as he walked over to a potted plant and stashed his bag behind for safe keeping.

"Well some us like to be on time to these things not everyone likes to show up a half hour late like you."

House chose to ignore this comment. "Hey come on," he said tugging on Wilson's arm.

"Where are we going?"

"To the supply closet if we hurry we have to time for quickie before everyone shows up." He pulling Wilson with him.

"I don't think so." Said Wilson remembering the cameras House had mentioned yesterday.

"Is this about the cameras? Because I was only kidding. I'll let you tie up. Come on it'll be fun"

"No. And I'm tying you up later remember?"

"But all the cool kids are doing it." He whined as hooked a thumb in the direction of the janitors closet as Chase and Cameron came out straightening their clothes and glancing around to make sure that no one had seen them.

Before Wilson could respond Cuddy walked over to them. "Well I see you got him to where a tie," she said addressing Wilson.

"And you'll believe what he threatened to do to me with it when we got home," said House suggestively while _accidently _brushing a hand against Wilsons ass. Wilson jumped slightly and glared at House.

Cuddy rolled eyes and held up a hand. "I don't even want to know." She stated. "Just make sure he stays on his best behavior." She said to Wilson while pointing at House. She made her way over to the door to great some guests that had just arrived.

"Well," said House suddenly. "I'll be right back." He said as limped over to the plant to retrieve his bag.

"Wait where are you going?" asked Wilson following him.

"Oh you'll find out." He said as his limped out the door, bag in hand.

Wilson sighed. This was going to be a long night.

**

Wilson had gone to sit at the bar when House returned about twenty minutes later walking next to Chase. They were whispering and House hand something to Chase which he slipped into his pocket and walked in the opposite direction.

House came and sat down next to him and ordered a scotch. "What's up with you and Chase?" asked Wilson taking a sip of his drink.

"He came in the bathroom while I was setting up. He wanted in on it so I recruited him to handle some of the tasks I couldn't." he said waving he cane for emphasis.

"Why didn't you ask me? I could have helped." Said Wilson feeling slightly disappointed that House didn't include him.

"Because you didn't seem to want me to even do it. So I figured you didn't want to get to get your hands dirty." Said sipping his scotch.

"I just didn't want anyone getting hurt. It didn't mean I didn't mean I want to help."

"You really want to help?"

"Sure. What do want me to do?" leaning close to House.

House reached into his pocket and slipped a small object into his hand.

Wilson glanced at what House handed him. "That's disgusting. What am I suppose to do with this?"

House nodded towards the buffet. "Seriously?" said Wilson looking a little disgusted.

House nodded and Wilson walked over to the buffet dropped the object into the mashed potatoes and used the spoon to cover it up. He gave House a thumbs up and walked back over to him. "It's done." He said sitting down. "Hey what did you and Chase do to the bathrooms?"

Instead of telling him; House said, "You might want to use the bathroom on the next floor."

"Plastic wrap or Vaseline?" asked Wilson.

"Both." Said House "Men's and Women's"

"You went in the women's room?"

"No, of course," not said House. "I sent Chase he has prettier hair."

"You know Cuddy is going to kill you? Don't you?"

"Cuddy won't kill me. I'm an asset to the hospital. I save lives."

"Yeah and she's going to make your life a living hell when she finds out this."

"Well I'm lucky that I'm not alone in this. I'm taking you and Chase down with me."

"I knew you had and ulterior motive." He said as glanced towards the doors. "Come on." He said. "The donors are starting to arrive."

House followed him while thinking of a way that he could get Wilson back into the supply closet.

_TBC_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"How are women and tornadoes alike?" House asked to a group of men and women sitting around a table. Which included Wilson, Cameron and several donors and their spouses.

Cameron who was sitting to Wilson's right rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink.

"They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave."

This caused a few snickers from the men and couple eye rolls from the women.

Wilson groaned laid his head in hand. He should have known better than to buy that dirty joke book for House last week. There was going to be no stopping him now.

"Here's one Wilson will appreciate," House said looking at Wilson and smirking.

Wilson knew House was about to say something embarrassing. He suddenly wished wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

"There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got."

Wilson groaned inwardly and buried his face in his hands. Cameron looked at him sympathy. She seemed to very happy that the she hadn't gotten involved with House after all.

One man that actually dared to laugh at House's ill advised joke earned a hateful glare from his wife that happened to be sitting right next to him.

House smirked to himself as glanced around the table. He seemed to make it his goal in life to make as man people uncomfortable as possible.

The wife got up from the table and glared daggers of hate at House before stalking towards the bar. The husband looked acutely uncomfortable and got to follow his wife.

Cameron excused herself from the table. "I'm going to find Chase."

Wilson got up from his chair to sit next to House. "Did you have to do that?" asked Wilson.

"Oh come that funny and you know it." He said place his hand on Wilson's knee and then ran his along his in thigh gently rubbing.

Wilson felt an uncomfortable tightening in pants. He reached down and pulled House hand away. "Cut it out we can't do anything right know." He said trying to think of something unsexy. 'Dying cancer patients' 'Abandoned kittens' 'Walking in on his parents having sex when he was twelve'. Yep that did it.

"Come on I need another drink." He said motioning for Wilson to follow him to the bar.

Chase and Cameron were standing at the bar and appeared to be having an intense conversation. House walked between them and said, "So you two defile anymore closets lately."

"Not lately, how about you and Wilson?" she quipped. "I heard Cuddy go you two on camera."

"Touché." He leaned around to look at Wilson "She what she did there?"

Wilson rolled his eyes and prayed for the night to end soon, before House thought of another way to embarrass him. Wilson didn't have to worry about that at the moment as he watched glance around the room until he spotted his target.

A woman of about forty standing at the other end of the bar; she was wearing and strapless off white gown and holding a glass of brandy. He watched as House walked over to her. They exchanged a few word, the woman's face turned red, hurled a few obscenities that Wilson couldn't quite understand and stomped out of the room.

House limped back toward Wilson and sat down at the bar next to him.

"What did you say to her?"

"Oh nothing much I just told her that her 'Husband looking like he was having a really good time with that student nurse in the closet.'"

"Please tell me that you didn't say that."

"Come on you know how much I love scandalizing people. And it's pretty obvious that he cheating her or has in the past."

"How to figure that?"

"If she trusted him she wouldn't have gotten so upset. She also wouldn't have called him a jackass and threatened to cut off his family jewels."

"Okay. I guess you have point. But do have any idea who that w?as."

House shrugged he shoulders and sipped his drink with feigned disinterest.

"That was Dr. Amelia Blackwell; she's the head of thoracic surgery at Princeton General. Her husbands on the board. He one of the biggest donars."

House shrugged his shoulders. "Opps."

"Well I'm going to the bathroom. I don't want to be around when Cuddy finds out what you did." He said walking away.

"Don't use the one on this floor." House called after him. Wilson waved and walked out of the room.

House glanced around the room until he found Cuddy. She was standing at the food bar fixing herself a plate. He walked over to her and stood in the way. "Who throws these cheesy parties anyway?" he said appearing causal as if he didn't know that Cuddy was the one hosting the benefit.

She rolled her eyes and stepped around House. "Are you behaving?"

"Of course. Wilson threatened to spank me if I didn't."

"Right." She said. "So you weren't the one who put the Vaseline on the toilet seats in the women's room?"

"No that was Chase."

"Sure."

"No it's true I saw him he's devious."

"Whatever, just stay away from the donors for the rest of the night." She said as stepped in her way again. "Don't you have some else you could be bothering?"

House watched as Cuddy reached a hand toward the spoon in the mashed potatoes. "Actually I do." He walking away and pulling out his cell phone.

"You and Wilson stay out the closet," she called after him.

House decided not to comment of the obvious joke she had just made and instead typed out a message.

Wilson was drying his hands when his phone rang. He pulled it out. 'One new message.' 'House'

_Meet me in exam room 3. Five minutes._

_TBC._

_Note: The jokes House tells came from _


End file.
